Rules to Live By (or, Things My Mother Has Taught Me)

1. Life is not fair

(Especially in Public School)

 2. You’ve got to be fast

(Told to me after a screen door slammed shut on my hand)

3. Always check the oven before you pre-heat

(Because something might be in there already. For my mother, it was Tupperware. For a friend of mine, it was a live snake.)

4. You can use Red Vines as straws

(Environmentally friendly — and won’t squeak in the lid of your movie-theatre-purchased soda)

5. Never turn down an opportunity for travel

(Small distances, long distances…she didn’t specify. Knowing her, though, things such as trips to the grocery store and “I need a ride to the airport” don’t count. “I need a ride from Hollywood to Ojai,” however, does apply. Get going.)

6. Don’t put squash seeds down the garbage disposal; they’ll rattle around like goofy

(Direct quote)